Big difference between before and after dating? Teaching you to look for clues on a date to determine if the person is really right for you (below)

In the previous article, I shared two major types of dating warning signs, including “the type that hides himself” and “the type that is insecure about his feelings or completely focused on his feelings”. In this article, I will continue to share the other two major types of warning signs, to help you detect and judge them early, so as to minimize the gap between before and after the relationship:

If you have these warning signs before dating, you will realize that “he lacks important values such as honesty and respect” after dating.

  1. He sometimes lies, makes excuses, or chooses not to say anything.

Although we just started dating, many of us know each other for the first time, and it’s hard to check if what he says is true. However, if you find that he speaks with a twinkle in his eye, quickly passes by, or doesn’t apologize for a bunch of reasons even though it’s just a harmless little mistake, then it’s very likely that he’s not an honest person.

Everyone has their own boundaries and can choose how much they want to reveal, but if they are deliberately lying, hiding or unwilling to face their faults, it’s not a question of boundaries, it’s a question of honesty.

You may need to ask yourself: are you okay with your significant other lying? If it’s a serious relationship, it’s likely to be a relationship where you can’t have trust.

  1. Inconsistency between words and deeds, saying one thing and doing another

You start to notice that some of his behavior is not as good as he says. For example, he says he cares about the environment, but he often uses plastic bags and straws, he says he cares about his family, but he seldom comes home to eat with them.

Although it’s impossible to ask the other person to be 100% consistent with their words and actions, if you want the person you love to be trustworthy and give you a sense of security in the relationship, whether or not they are consistent with their words and actions is a very important indicator to observe.

Otherwise, after entering a relationship, you may often feel skeptical about what he says, and even unsure how seriously he takes what he says? Over time, the suspicion may also slowly wear down the relationship.

  1. Doesn’t respect your boundaries, wants to change you, or wants you to follow his rules.

Even if the relationship between two people is getting closer and closer, they are still two independent individuals. If they are completely based on one person’s standards, or if the rules of the game are set by one person, then what they love is a complete person, or a machine?

If you are dating, get along with the process, found that the other party often try to use different ways to persuade you, change you, hope that you follow his way, or especially focus on what he likes, this is likely to be he does not know how to respect the boundaries of other people’s warning signs. For example, he wants you to wear more dresses because he thinks it’s feminine, he wants you to report every morning and evening, or he wants you to inform him of your movements, or he even restricts you from contacting certain friends.

It’s not that these behaviors are necessarily bad, but the point is, “Do you feel uncomfortable, uneasy” or find yourself becoming less and less like yourself and losing yourself in order to cater to the other person? If you are gone, then who is he in love with? Is it the real you, or the one he has transformed?

If you have these warning signs before dating, you will realize that “he doesn’t really like you that much” after dating.

  1. When you look for him, he always says he’s tired and unavailable.

When you first met him, he was very enthusiastic, but after a period of time, he seldom took the initiative to appear, often unread and not returned, for your initiative to invite, he always responded with “look again”, “recently very busy” and other reasons.

Of course, you can’t be the only one in the other person’s world, he has his own life to live and his own worries to deal with. But people can actually sense the feeling of deliberate alienation.

I once had a friend who was very busy at work, so he would find a way to arrange time to work with his date at a coffee shop or pick up the other person and take them home when he was done.

So “busy” is probably just an excuse. Because when a person really cares and attaches importance to his heart, he can still find the time and way to get along with each other; even if he really has difficulties, he will let you feel that he is very sorry and that he really cares.

  1. Appointment made, but he is very easy to change the time, cancel, did not appear

When you’ve made an appointment to meet, he often changes the time with you, says it’s inconvenient for him or suddenly has to work overtime, or even just doesn’t show up at all. Unexpected situations are inevitable, but if you often have such a situation, you have to trust your own feelings and be cautious.

What do you do when you are looking forward to a date? You may have eliminated all the difficulties, canceled your scheduled trip, made a lot of preparations, and were looking forward to it a few days ago. Yes, this is what one should do when they really care and want to get to know each other and spend more time together.

If the frequency of your dates is reasonable and the other person keeps rescheduling or doesn’t show up, then objectively speaking, he just doesn’t want to spend time with you or he may be avoiding confronting your relationship.

If you notice these situations during the dating stage, it’s best to ask or clarify the reasons, otherwise entering into a relationship on such an unequal premise is likely to spawn all sorts of problems.3. He’s not at all interested in your business

If you really like someone, you will want to get to know them better and you will definitely want to be a part of their life.

However, if you find that the other person is not interested in your life, for example, if you share your own story with him, he seems to be lack of interest; or if you invite him to your own friends’ party, he always politely declined. This is usually one of two possibilities: for him, your relationship isn’t close enough for him to want to know these things; or, he really doesn’t like you that much.

If he has any of these tendencies, it’s likely that your relationship is ‘needs-oriented’ for him, and he just wants someone to fulfill his needs. However, a truly healthy relationship should be based on love, with the hope of getting to know each other better and becoming better people.

If it were you, what kind of relationship would you want to be in?

Do any of these warning signs and clues sound familiar to you?

As I mentioned in my last post, people are imperfect and inevitably carry past wounds that are pushed forward by time on life’s journey. So you are likely to see yourself in these warning signs as well.

These warning signs don’t mean that the other person or you are not good, or not qualified to be in a relationship, nor do they mean that you have to cut the relationship off right away; think of it another way, instead you can take this opportunity to stop and ask yourself:

  1. are you okay with, or willing to take on, the relationship problems that may come with the warning signs?
  2. what are the warning signs that you cannot accept? Are you clear about your boundaries? (e.g., for me, I can’t compromise on the value of honesty.) 3.
  3. is the other person aware of the situation? Is the other person aware of this situation? Is he willing to communicate with you openly or make adjustments to the relationship?

Of course, although these questions are important, it’s not easy to answer them honestly because:

First, you need to communicate honestly with your partner and try to understand the possible reasons behind his behavior.

Secondly, before you can answer these questions honestly, you have to be brave enough to overcome your inner fears, such as low self-esteem, fear of being alone and lonely, and the feeling that you don’t deserve to be loved.

And none of this is easy.

So going back to the basics, the reason why these warning signs are ignored is often precisely because our inner vulnerability blinds us to the fact that we would rather ‘choose’ not to see it than to be abandoned again.

In order to stop experiencing heartache, in addition to reminding ourselves of the warning signs early on in the dating stage, we also need to practice loving and cherishing ourselves, because only by maintaining such a state of mind will we be able to see more objectively, see more clearly, and avoid always encountering people with a big gap between before and after a relationship.

Think about it, if there is a scene in a movie where “one party is unfaithful to the other party” or “the hero doesn’t love the heroine that much”, you will always roll your eyes in anger and think: “It’s so obvious, why can’t he see it! Is he an idiot?”

The more we love ourselves, the more we can avoid becoming the “idiots” we say we are, and the more intelligent decisions we can make for our own happiness.

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