Complementary and similar, which combination of lovers get along better?

Have you ever fallen in love with someone whose appearance made your heart skip a beat? Have you ever felt a sense of familiarity with someone and had a friendship turn into love? Or have you ever been deeply attracted to a soul that is so different from yours that you feel that something about them completes you?

Appearance attraction is indeed one of the conditions for many people to choose a spouse; and familiarity with each other is called the “simple exposure effect” in psychology, which means that the more often a person appears in front of one’s eyes, the easier it is to develop a favorable impression of him or her, and thus the two sides can easily come together naturally; and the other party’s conditions that complement his or her own are often a balance to make up for some kind of deficiency in his or her own heart. These so-called “attractions” do create many romantic love stories, but I’m afraid that relying on these attractions alone to make a relationship happy and fulfilling is different from reality.

According to Dr. Warren, who has more than 30 years of experience in marriage counseling in the U.S., “The key to a stable and happy relationship or marriage is whether the two people have a lot of similarities,” he said.

In other words, when partners have a lot in common with each other, it is easier for them to connect with each other, create a sense of belonging and stability, and reduce the frequency of breakups. As for which aspects of similarity have a significant impact on the stability of a relationship, I have categorized them into two core areas: “Spiritual Fit” and “Conditional Compatibility”.

“Spiritual Compatibility”: Whether or not the two people are similar and have a tacit understanding on the metaphysical level of spirituality and thinking.

Love alone is not enough to maintain the long-term dynamics of a relationship. A connected and stable love requires that both people share the same thoughts and expressions. It is only when two people are able to communicate, share similar spiritual views and expectations, and have a heart that understands us, that we can add fuel to the fire of love and maintain a stable and fulfilling relationship.

– Similar views and values

Values are what we value in life, including how we view family, work, different life styles, our views on children’s education (or should we have children?), whether we have similar beliefs (not necessarily religious, but what we believe in each other’s walk in life), or how we handle money, and so on. These include how we view family, work, different life styles, our views on children’s education (or whether we should have children?), whether we share similar beliefs (not necessarily religious, but what we believe in each other’s walks of life), or how we handle money and what we think about it, and so on.

Chinese people have always been more subtle about talking about money, and always feel that talking about money in love is tacky and hurtful, so they often overlook the importance of having the same attitude towards money before marriage. However, as mentioned in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the master of humanism, “the two most basic needs of human beings are physiological and security needs”; the handling of finances affects physiological fulfillment as well as the sense of security, so whether or not there is a similar outlook on money management cannot be underestimated in the maintenance of marital relationships.

– Sufficient verbal intimacy

Verbal intimacy refers to the ability of both partners to moderately express their love and share each other’s lives and feelings. Moderation” here means that both partners must have the opportunity to express themselves. If one of the two partners is particularly expressive and the other is particularly dull and quiet, although such a complementary model may seem to be in balance at the beginning, over time, the speaker will complain that his/her voice is not being returned, and the listener will feel imbalanced and perceive that the other partner is too incessant and will shut down his/her ears and mouth even more.

– Expectations of a common understanding of roles in married life

Nowadays, society is very diverse and the traditional concept of “man’s role is outside and woman’s role is inside” is no longer necessarily applicable to the current time and space; however, no matter what kind of role allocation, if both partners are comfortable with each other’s roles and do not have unrealistic expectations of the other partner, it will reduce a lot of pressure and friction. Therefore, in a marriage, a sufficient degree of similarity in role expectations is also an important factor in making the relationship harmonious.

“Conditional Compatibility”: Whether the two people are similar in terms of visible aspects of life.

The ancient concept of “conditional compatibility” refers to the similarity of the backgrounds of the two partners, and it is not an outdated concept for modern relationships, as it saves a lot of guesswork and trial-and-error. However, I believe that “matchmaking” should be interpreted more broadly in contemporary times, and that it is the similarity of specific interests, energies, and habits that really affects the relationship on a life level, and also affects the partner’s sense of well-being.

– Similarity of Interests

If two people have similar interests, even if they specialize in different areas of the workplace, they can still enjoy sharing common themes and activities together in their leisure time at home after they have left their work roles. It’s a good idea to share the same passion for the same things. Similarity of energy and passion for the same things.

– Similarity of energy

In addition to physical fitness and health, I believe that “energy” also includes the curiosity to explore new things. Relationships are beautiful when the body and mind are in harmony. If one partner is physically weak and the other is physically weak, or if one partner enjoys new things and the other is uninterested, it may affect the intensity of the relationship over a long period of time.

– Similarity of Personal Habits

The beginning of a marriage is most tested by nothing more than the personal habits of the two people. The personal habits of each partner, brought about by their single status and upbringing, seem to be insignificant differences, but they often accumulate into the emotional explosion of marriage, therefore, the more similar their personal habits, the more they can avoid conflicts in getting along.

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