你必须看看你是否处于模棱两可的时期!判断一段关系是否值得投资,只需三个步骤

If you’ve read the ‘Three Stages of Dating’ that I shared a while back using my own story as a way to share it, or, if you’ve actually tried spending time with a couple of dates this way and realized that you’ve found someone that you’re seriously considering entering into a one-on-one relationship with, but are still a little hesitant to do so, then you’re definitely going to want to read this one.

While reading the following, a thought may occur to you: all of this is way too rational and idealistic! Isn’t love all about indulging in heart-thumping, boisterous feelings? What’s more, how can you have so much time to “take your time” to get to know someone?

Yes, it’s not easy to do that. Because people are fragile.

Often, we are so afraid of abandonment and rejection, or so desperate and needy for a relationship, that we can’t help but throw away our reasoning and even compromise ourselves just so that the other person can be with us for one more night, talk on the phone for one more minute, or return one more message.

More often than not, we are pulled by our own emotions and desires and forget to slow down; we even tell ourselves, “Screw it! , it’s like being addicted to a drug, you know it’s bad for your body and mind, but you just can’t resist.

I was able to slow down because I had been through so many disappointments in love and in myself; I thought I was just tired of hurting myself and the other person because of insecurity, because I was controlled by my feelings, and because my heart wasn’t mature enough.

So I made up my mind to cherish myself, to be responsible for myself, to learn to practice real love, and to practice building a real healthy relationship with another person.

The person I’m with now came into my life after I made up my mind to love myself better.

If you never want to experience broken love again, maybe you can do what I did and try these things to get to know each other better before committing to a relationship, and to determine if you’re right for each other early on.

We noticed each other from the beginning. We spent about six months getting to know each other and spending time with each other before we entered into an official relationship.

This was a very different process for me because in my past relationships, it was always love at first sight and a week or two together.

This time it wasn’t because of reserve, let alone deliberate procrastination. In fact, we made our feelings known to each other very quickly, but we also agreed to keep this good feeling in our hearts first, and then consciously get to know you and me better first, and slowly cultivate our feelings, step by step, to get closer together, before deciding whether or not we want to formally enter into a relationship.

All of this comes from cherishing ourselves, each other, and our love to be so careful.

In the past six months, we have been doing a lot of conversations. Not just stopping at sharing interests and chatting about life’s daily routines, but consciously engaging in deep conversations, and not deliberately avoiding difficult questions or serious topics.

During a fling, it’s okay to talk about each other’s fears and vulnerabilities

We talk a lot about our vulnerability and about our fears and phobias in our emotions. Like what do I hate about myself emotionally, what do I fear most in a relationship. And then going deeper, why do I hate and fear? Because a lot of times, ‘fear’ comes from a deep insecurity or a part of us that we care deeply about.

At that time, I shared, “In a relationship, I can’t stand it when the other person lies because I care about honesty and whether or not the two people in the relationship can be honest with each other”. Another example: “In a relationship, I hate being out of control because it makes me feel like I’ve lost myself. So I look forward to a healthy relationship where both people can be themselves.”

Through these real-life sharing, we can visualize each other in the relationship in advance and ask ourselves, “Am I able to protect these vulnerable parts of the other person? Ask yourself: “Am I able to protect these vulnerable parts of the other person?”, “Am I able to accept these insecurities and fears of the other person?”. And when I get into a relationship, when I get angry because I’m not honest, the other person is more accepting because he knows that’s what I value most.

For those of you who are in a flirtation period, you can also have a good conversation about some deeper topics.

We were taking classes at the same institution (which had a course on love), and we would spend time discussing what love was for each other. What different kinds of love have we experienced in our past relationships? Or, what do we imagine the ideal relationship to be?

Of course, it doesn’t have to be about love. You can also talk about your family and upbringing, your work or life aspirations, or even the trivialities of life, as long as it allows you to recognize each other’s perspectives on the world.

Sometimes these conversations are not romantic, and most of the time they are very real and naked, so it’s not easy at all to get up the courage to start.

But with time and the willingness and courage to get to know each other better, by trying to share more and more little by little, we slowly built up a solid trust, and at the same time I learned more about the values he holds dear, the way he imagines love, and the kind of person he wants to be.

Then I ask myself, what are the parts of us that are the same? Do these parts matter? Can I fall in love with the person he is and the person he wants to be in the future? Am I willing to adjust myself for him? The answers behind these questions are the foundation for a solid relationship in the future.

Even during the flirtation period, it is important to define your boundaries and observe them calmly.

After gaining a better understanding of each other through a lot of conversations, we started to set boundaries for our current relationship. For example, because we knew the source of each other’s insecurities and how we envisioned a formal relationship, we had an open and honest discussion about “what we can or can’t do before we get together”.

For example, we both care about honesty, so we agreed that we would try to be proactive and honest about our feelings and thoughts in front of each other, despite our discomfort, inability to speak clearly, or fear of the other person’s judgment.

Or more specifically, I would let the other person know that I needed time to myself. So we have an agreement on what the maximum frequency of time together is for the week, and the rest of the time can be organized individually.

Perhaps you may feel that sometimes speaking clearly about your boundaries will bring a cold or less ambiguous feeling, but mature or experienced people will know that these agreements are not because we don’t trust each other, but in order to protect ourselves as well as respect each other, so that in the future when conflicts arise in the relationship, there is a clear basis for discussion, and you can adjust the boundaries according to the needs of the relationship.

These boundaries make me feel more comfortable with him and I don’t have to guess and try. Through the process of discussing each other’s views on relationship boundaries, we can not only see whether the differences between the two people are really appropriate, but also observe whether the other person really values and cares about the relationship, and whether he or she is willing to give respect to the relationship, rather than just wanting to satisfy his or her own desires and insecurities of wanting to be loved through the relationship.

To summarize, when you find yourself really like a person, but still a little hesitant to enter into a serious relationship with him, or want to know more about each other before committing, then try these three things!

Often times, many signs appear long before a relationship reaches the point of failure or scarring, so the key lies in whether you are brave enough, love yourself enough, and are willing to find the courage to share your true fears and expectations, to draw boundaries to protect yourself as well as the other person, and, if necessary, to bravely refuse and leave.

Remember, it’s not that you’re not good enough; you absolutely deserve to be cherished and treated well. But the premise is that you need to see your own goodness first, to face yourself honestly, to cherish yourself and to speak up for yourself before you can find the one who is willing to cherish you in this way.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *