急于摆脱一段关系,所以你反复退出底线?尝试在约会时建立你的关系界限(如下)

As I mentioned in the previous article, if you are thinking of developing a long term and stable relationship, the dating stage is the best time to get to know each other and evaluate whether you can further develop in the future. If you want to get out of a relationship because your heart is beating, you are worried about losing the opportunity to develop with him, or you hide your true feelings because you are afraid of rejecting the other person, this will do more harm than good in terms of the long-term development of the relationship, and you may accidentally get trapped in a toxic relationship, and you may want to get out of it, but you are constantly compromising yourself.

Therefore, no matter how much you want to get out of the relationship, even if you are still in the dating stage, you have absolutely sufficient reasons to guard the boundaries you set, in addition to expressing respect for yourself, but also, more importantly, to allow the other party to have the opportunity to recognize the “real you,” and at the same time to observe whether or not the other party can respect the boundaries you set. This will help you recognize whether the person in front of you is worth investing in, and if not, you can pull out as soon as possible to avoid wasting time on the wrong person.

Next, I’d like to talk about some of the boundaries you can set for yourself when you’re in the dating phase.

3 Mental Boundaries You Can Set When Dating to Find the Most Comfortable Relationships

Often when we think about the boundaries of the “dating stage”, it’s easy to stop at the superficial “physical touch” boundaries, such as “don’t hold my hand or ride on my shoulder without my consent”. But in fact, it is the invisible “psychological boundaries” that often have the most profound impact on future relationships.

After referring to psychologist Dr. Erica Holmes’ book “Dating with Purpose” and integrating my understanding, I think the boundaries that should be established during the dating stage are “physical level” → “material level” → “psychological level” from shallow to deep. Here, I would like to further categorize the “psychological level” into 3 types and illustrate them with examples:

  1. Habits, personal preference boundaries – your expectations and bottom line of “interaction style

It is like a self-declaration that lets the other person know what you care about when you spend time with them, how to make you feel comfortable, respected, and what you like.

For example, you want to be attentive to each other when you talk, and although you’re not sure if he’s busy with official business, the other person’s constant use of his cell phone makes you feel disrespected and hung out to dry; or, you’re not a big fan of the smell of tobacco, but it’s natural for him to light up a cigarette in front of you. These small details related to habits and personal preferences can actually find opportunities to share with the other person, not to ask him to change immediately, but to listen to his ideas, but also to observe the way he responds.

Although the dating stage is relatively less and single compared to a partnership, you can still focus on observing whether the other person is willing to respond to your needs and how he intends to solve problems with you when he faces the boundaries that you have raised. This observation will help you predict how you will get along in the future.

If he knows how to be respectful and flexible, perhaps he will share why he has these habits, and may try to discuss with you ways to adjust them, such as “if there is an important message or phone call, I will tell you in advance”, “I will try not to smoke during the date”, so that we can work together to come up with a solution that will make us more comfortable together, taking into account the expectations and needs of both parties.

This kind of negotiation is mutual, and both parties’ opinions should be accepted and discussed. If he is facing the problem you put forward is always quite indifferent to the reply: “This is a small thing, right? If he always replies, “It’s a small thing, right?”, “It’s okay, you just put up with it”, “Why do you have so many problems?”, then, when you are officially dating, he may also be closed and disrespectful attitude to face your different habits or hobbies, and it may be worthwhile for you to consider in advance if he can be worth dating.

  1. Emotional Boundaries – Your thoughts on “taking on the other person’s emotions”.

“Only you can be responsible for your own emotions” is the core of emotional boundaries, which means that you can be aware of your own emotions and face them on your own, and when you are aware of the other person’s emotions, you can comfortably choose how much you want to respond to them.

Often times we expect to find someone close to our ideal on a date and neglect the importance of emotional boundaries. Whenever the other party’s emotions fall down, always involuntarily undertake or appeasement, whether it is from the other party’s care and concern, hope to gain the other party’s goodwill, or do not know how to refuse, when the emotional boundaries are becoming more and more fuzzy, over time, he began to get accustomed to by the “you” to be responsible for his emotions. If you don’t do what he expects, he will get angry or blame you, thinking that you treat him poorly or don’t value him, and this mode of interaction will follow you into a relationship until you feel suffocated and decide to let go of the day.

In fact, this has a lot to do with the fact that you are constantly giving in to your emotional boundaries. Therefore, setting emotional boundaries at the dating stage means that you have to take care of yourself first, and when you find out that the other person is talking about his emotions too often and is beyond your capacity when dating someone else, you have to learn to keep your distance, politely refuse, and even encourage him to seek professional assistance. If he is disappointed that you are unable to meet his emotional needs, your “emotional boundaries” can help you draw a line with your guilt; if you have the strength, you can also talk to him about his expectations of you, but if he still wants you to be a savior or is not willing to face the problem on his own, it is also recommended that you leave this inappropriate object as soon as possible. 3. “Value Boundary” – Your hope for “ideal life

The “value line” here includes not only your vision of what you want your life to be like, but also your expectations of the relationship, such as your goals for each other’s lives, your thoughts on marriage or family in the future, etc. I would encourage you to talk about this during the dating stage. Especially if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, it’s important to get to know each other’s values ahead of time to make sure that you’re both looking towards the same future (if not exactly the same, then at least close to it), or else if you don’t have the same expectations of what you want out of life, it’ll be very difficult to work out what you want to do in the future.

For example, you are very eager to stable and dedicated relationship, looking forward to two people can support each other, together to face all kinds of difficulties, and he loves the pursuit of excitement and freshness, but also not too easy to stay in a relationship for a long period of time; or, your self-fulfillment comes from the career to give full play to the ability, so you never want to have children or family, but the other party wants to get married as a prerequisite for the relationship, and also think that the children and the family in order to make him The other person wants to get married and believes that children and a family will make him complete.

After discovering the differences between each other, in addition to talking to each other about the differences in values between the two, if you are still considering continuing to get to know each other or even formalizing your relationship, you should also tell yourself clearly that if there is any conflict in the future that goes beyond the “value line”, you should not easily compromise, and also let him know early on how seriously you take this line, so as to avoid the confirmation of the future relationship, which will usher in only more reluctant concessions or pains. Or pain.

Values are often deeply rooted, and although it’s not about what’s good or bad, according to psychological research, “the smaller the difference in values, the higher the level of relationship satisfaction. If you can avoid people with very different values before you get involved with them, you can minimize a lot of the pain that will be hard to get along with later on.

In short, “setting boundaries” means being the real you and letting the other person know how they can treat you.

So, even if you are still dating, please be honest with yourself about all your expectations and needs, sincerely share your feelings with the other person, and observe whether he can respect you and solve problems with you; similarly, you need to do the same for the other person.

Never personally erase the boundaries for the sake of a brief spark, as this will also erase the possibility of both of you walking into the future in the most comfortable position. I guess that’s one of the things we care about most when we enter into a long-term relationship!

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