Do you know what you “don’t want” other than “want” when you think about choosing a spouse?

Whether it’s in the past tense or in the present tense, I’m sure almost everyone has encountered similar problems in a relationship – your significant other has a lot of qualities that you don’t like or dislike, but you believe that he or she will change for you out of love; and sometimes you have to endure the unhappiness and pain in your heart because you’re afraid of losing the relationship, or you’re worried that you won’t be able to find a better partner after you lose it. and pain.

But as you get along longer and longer, you realize that these intolerable conditions, has made your feelings reef, can no longer tolerate, and finally either go their separate ways, or may just barely survive in the relationship….

Do you have any negative traits listed in your criteria for choosing a spouse other than “what kind of person you want the other person to be”?

Often, when people ask us what we want in a mate, we tend to focus on “what we want” and make a long list of qualifications, but we often forget to ask ourselves, “What kind of traits or problems do I not want in a mate?

In my counseling work, I have come across many similar situations, in which cases tell me about the pain of falling out of love, and only after peeling back the threads of the relationship did they realize that the key reason for the breakup of the relationship was not due to the disappearance of the positive qualities of the other partner, but rather that they could no longer tolerate some of the other’s negative qualities. In other words, it is equally important to list the conditions that you cannot tolerate and list the necessary conditions for choosing a spouse, and the significance of the reverse indicator is also to remind us that, very often, when the negative traits are deeply rooted, they will not be changed just because of love, even if the other party is willing to, and sometimes it is really hard to change completely, it is also very difficult to make the effort.

Make a list of your “intolerable” qualifications for a spouse in three ways.

How to make an “intolerable list”? Do I need to list all the conditions and traits that I can’t stand? I suggest that you think about what negative indicators you should list from three aspects and steps. 1:

  1. First, think in terms of the object’s “condition level” and list ten items.

In terms of the concept of the mate selection pyramid, most of the things that we can’t stand and that affect our relationship management are in the lower half of the pyramid, namely “personality”, “character”, and “values”. Therefore, you can think about the traits and conditions that you don’t like or absolutely can’t stand from these three levels and list ten of them.

For example, in terms of personality, some people may be arrogant, dominating, childish, petty, or lazy; in terms of character, they may be liars, unfaithful, have addictive hobbies (e.g., gambling, drinking), or have poor emotional control; or you may not be able to tolerate macho men/women, lack of financial management, workaholism, and other similar values.

  1. Then, think about the “degree of relationship damage” and make further corrections.

Don’t forget that the reason for this list is not to grade others, but to help you identify your own needs for an ideal relationship. Therefore, your next step can be to examine from the perspectives of “whether it affects the relationship” and “how much it affects the relationship”.

For example, some people may be overly jealous, suspicious, overly clingy, afraid of intimacy, overly insecure, etc. These traits are not evil, and it’s not harmful if they happen occasionally, but when they happen frequently, they are definitely enough to destroy a relationship; therefore, we suggest that you include them in the list, and consider whether you need to adjust the ten items originally listed from this perspective.

  1. Finally, rank the items according to the “degree of aversion”, you will know more about your own needs in choosing a spouse.

After listing the ten intolerable conditions or traits, you can rank them from 1 to 10 according to your own degree of distaste, which can help you understand your own needs for a significant other from a more comprehensive perspective, so that you can step on the bottom line, retain the right to choose and autonomy, and avoid future relationships in the endurance, concessions.

Can you find the perfect person by following the list of intolerable things?

I would like to clarify that the purpose of making a list of what we can’t stand is not to find the perfect person, after all, even we are not perfect, are we? And since it’s not about finding the perfect person, how should we use this list of things we can’t stand?

– Even if the person meets only one of the criteria, I suggest you stop and think about it!

You may think that since there is no such thing as a perfect person, if there is someone who is not bad, and there are only one or two small things that you can’t stand, it shouldn’t be too big of a deal, right?

Don’t underestimate the power of “just one”. I once had a consultant who said that her ex-boyfriend was good at everything but his paranoia, and that this single intolerable trait was the trigger that led to the breakup of the two parties. What I’m trying to say is that if you don’t like something, or even hate it, you shouldn’t “convince” or “force” yourself to like it. Instead, you should stop, think about it carefully, and stay true to your own inner voice.

– It is also important to have the concept of “hierarchy” when looking at the other person’s counter-indicators.

However, it doesn’t mean that you have to give up immediately. Just as we have discussed before that there are actually levels in choosing a spouse, I suggest you to use the concept of levels to evaluate the list of intolerable items as well.

In other words, there is a hierarchy of personality traits that we hate or can’t stand. For example, if there are some deep-rooted problems, such as lying, bossiness, inertia, stinginess, etc., even if you wait until the end of time, you don’t have to expect the other person will change one day; but if it is inclined to habits or habits of life, such as smoking, driving recklessly, things do not go back to their place, swearing, etc., there will still be room for adjustment and improvement.

You can spend more time observing the other person to see if he is willing to be honest with himself, understand that the problem may have a negative impact on the relationship, and even be willing to take responsibility and try to make adjustments on an ongoing basis, which is the most important thing, in my opinion.

– The reverse indicators that don’t rank in the top ten will be the parts of yourself that you need to work on

What if you find that you have other conditions that you don’t like in addition to these ten items? Basically, the items that don’t make the list are your own homework. Just because it’s impossible to find someone without any flaws, we need to look at relationships with the right concepts, which means that to achieve a good relationship, it takes two people who are willing to learn to respect, tolerate, and accept each other under the collision of ideals and realities, as well as make trade-offs and adjustments for the relationship together.

Finally, I would also like to remind you not to be lazy and take someone else’s intolerable list and use it as your own. Everyone has their uniqueness, and what others see as minor flaws may very well turn into “relationship killers” in your eyes, so please be honest and respect your own heart in order to take control of your own happiness!

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