Don’t want to get to know someone if they’re not your type? Psychologist: “Sometimes the one who’s right for you won’t be right for you in the first place.”

When it comes to love, you always yearn for a spark between two people because you believe that the heartbeat you feel when you first meet someone can turn into a flame of love.

Even after a few failed attempts, you still take relationships seriously, not to mention how important it is to “meet new people” to “find a date”; therefore, you try to date a few people with the outline of your ideal partner in mind. But after the first date, you often go home disappointed. When people ask you about it, you always describe it like this: “There is no heartbeat”, “There is no spark”, “He is not my type”, “I can’t help it…I just don’t feel it”.

Gradually, you feel more and more panicked and want to ask, “Why is it that other people are always in love, but I can never meet the one who makes my heart flutter?

If you don’t find the above scenario unfamiliar, I would like to share with you that there are not a few people who feel the same way as you do. The reason why most people often fall into this predicament is because they are still in the dating stage, but they have the expectation of “finding the perfect partner”. This kind of dating habit is often the culprit that prevents you from understanding each other and objectively judging whether the other person is suitable for you.

Whether two people are suitable for each other is actually difficult to judge after one or two interactions; the general external conditions may be obtained by looking with the eyes or throwing out a few questions, but it takes effort and time to understand how the person in front of you is facing life, relationships, or the attitude of life’s problems.

Therefore, if you are single and dating a new acquaintance, in addition to learning how to better understand each other’s personalities and values, I would like to invite you to establish the correct concept of dating. When dating, please open your heart and give people who are not your type a chance to get to know you!

Counselor Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Samantha Burns, in their writings on how to date, mention some important concepts that are worth thinking about.

You don’t need to fall in love at first sight on a first date, allow yourself to get to know each other well first!

The goal of the first date is to create a relaxed and enjoyable conversation, from which to recognize the real each other, but also to honestly observe their own feelings, do not give up the opportunity to get to know each other in the future just because there is no heartfelt feeling at the moment.

When we are anxious to confirm from the first date whether he is the ideal object, forgetting that the first meeting is inevitably nervous and uncomfortable, accidentally make the date become a little awkward and embarrassing, or, unconsciously compare each other with their ex-loved, amplify his not meet the expectations of the place, all of these situations, may let us prematurely determine that he is not their own, preventing us from deeper understanding of who the other person’s desire, and ultimately miss the actually good and suitable for the person, and also the opportunity to get to know each other honestly. We end up missing out on someone who is actually good and suitable for us.

A friend of mine, who loves fitness and hiking, described her first impression of her boyfriend five years ago: “The first time I met him, I thought he was a nerd with glasses, overly serious, and his hobby was experimentation, which was completely unattractive to me. But because he was in the same lab, we often had dinner together.

After chatting with him a few times, I realized that he was very empathetic, willing to listen and understand the ideas of people around him, and respect different opinions, so everyone in our lab liked him and liked to find him to discuss their problems in life. Slowly, we rubbed sparks in getting along, and I didn’t expect time to go so fast, and now we are getting married. I still think that he is still sincere, always treats the people next to him seriously, and also takes my feelings and thoughts seriously, and also knows the reason why I value exercise, and now he will work out with me! I’m so glad to see you.”

If she hadn’t given this “geek” a chance in the first place, maybe she wouldn’t have had the chance to meet her future husband.

So, even if you gave your first date a failing grade, please give each other a few more dates to get to know him, instead of rushing to make sure he’s close to your ideal.

The number of dates doesn’t mean commitment. Expand your circle of friends and get to know all kinds of people!

How do you feel about dating?

Many people think that agreeing to go on a date or re-inviting someone means that they want to give them a chance, so based on the consideration of “worrying about wasting each other’s time”, if they can’t talk to each other at the first meeting, if they get along awkwardly, or if they are not their cup of tea, they feel that there’s no need to meet or continue to get to know the other person again.

However, the significance of dating is to “create opportunities”, so that you can get to know another person, how he sees things, how he solves problems, his values and beliefs, and whether or not he can be a good partner in my life, and whether or not we can walk through the sorrows, joys, and perhaps difficulties together. This kind of understanding requires in-depth conversations, and usually one date is definitely not enough.

Please remember that the number of dates does not mean commitment, if you are worried about the other side of the idea, before the first date out or in the moment to let both sides of the date have a common understanding, it can reduce both sides of the hidden expectations to kidnap each other, hindering you to know more about him or the opportunity to communicate with different people.

So, let go of your heart and go on more dates with all kinds of people! It’s better to have different personalities, professions, and interests, and it doesn’t hurt to be different from your favorite type, so maybe dating someone with different qualities and backgrounds will give you a chance to explore a relationship that’s more suitable for you. We often think we know ourselves well enough to understand what we want in love, and so we fixate on looking for a specific type, but in fact, often we are just looking for a familiar feeling. In other words, even if you know what you care about, you should allow yourself to let go of your established standards, because sometimes this openness can bring unexpected surprises.

A girl used to be easily attracted to domineering, controlling men, and even though she was often pained by the humble gestures and always cooperated with the other man’s harshness and irrationality, she just couldn’t resist that kind of manliness. Once, a friend introduced her to a man who was gentle and considerate.

On the first date, she was tired of the guy asking her what she wanted to eat and where she wanted to go, and felt that the other guy was too unassertive. But after a few more dates in her friend’s honor, she realizes that she tends to fall in love with big, controlling men because she’s used to letting other people make the decisions, but when she has the chance to spend time with the complete opposite type of person, she realizes that she actually longs for her voice to be heard.

After being with this guy, she was finally treated as an equal, and was often concerned about what she liked and wanted. Gradually, she fell in love with this feeling, and became more and more confident in expressing herself.

If you’re looking for a serious relationship, or even a marriage, don’t forget that love takes time and requires two souls to meet, and the prerequisite for such a beautiful relationship is to have an open heart. Therefore, please release yourself from the expectation that you must find your ideal partner on a date, and give people who are not your type a chance, so that you can free up more mental space to communicate with each other, and expand the number of people you know, and feel what you look like in all kinds of relationships, because sometimes the person who can bring you happiness may never be the type that you would like, but is the most suitable for your love pattern.

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