What attracted you in the first place ended up not being a good fit? It turns out that your conditions for choosing a spouse are missing this

Netflix’s documentary “Tinder Big Scammer” has sparked heated discussions among the public a while back. The protagonist of the movie, Simon, is a love scammer who attracts girls through his successful persona and then takes advantage of their love for him to scam them out of huge sums of money to support his own luxurious life, and he even uses Girl A’s money to take Girl B out to have fun, and Girl B’s money to take Girl C out to have fun, which is just like a Ponzi scheme, as in A modern love apocalypse, in the era when dating softwares are in vogue, exposes the potential risks of dating in setting the conditions for choosing a spouse, only looking at superficial conditions such as appearance and background.

The reason why these victimized girls fall for Simon’s charismatic persona is that the photos he puts on the Internet, no matter how he dresses and the occasions he goes to, all look like successful business elites, and at the same time, he is very good at enjoying life, and he doesn’t forget to put photos of his interactions with small animals, so as to reveal his cute side, however, these are all deliberately created effects, not the real Simon.

Similarly, we will fall in love with a person, often from the appearance of the attraction of the beginning, it is like the first spark to ignite the fire of love, without this spark, the two people are difficult to intimate relationship to unfold, but if the eyes are too focused on the surface of the attraction, and forget to take the time to understand each other’s true inner appearance, often in the end to realize that, at first attracted to you, and in the end, it is not so suitable. This is not because the other party deliberately deceive you, but we are very easy to understand a person think too simple, that as long as you look at the eye, chatting, have a heartfelt feeling, is suitable, but ignored to maintain a long-lasting relationship, the need for deeper things.

Appearance is the spark of love, if it is to continue, it needs to be able to burn firewood!

This reminds me of the pyramid theory of mate selection, which stratifies people’s mate selection criteria, where the top of the pyramid is “appearance”, and the bottom is “background”, which are closer to each other’s external conditions. When the pyramid goes down, it is more in favor of the other person’s internal conditions, such as the next layer is “personality”, the next layer is “character”, and the bottom layer is “beliefs/values”. The structure of the pyramid is narrow at the top and wide at the bottom, which means that the lower the conditions are, the more important they are when choosing a spouse. We can think of “appearance” as the first spark of love, but if the fire of love is to continue, it is not enough to rely only on this spark, it needs to add firewood, and the conditions of the lower level of the pyramid are just like these firewood, which are the elements that make the relationship last. If you rely only on “appearance” and “background”, even if you love each other with great passion at the beginning, the fire will be easily extinguished in the end.

Pre-dating observation period, the bottom conditions that deserve your attention

So, what are the underlying conditions that are worth observing in the early stages of getting to know each other? I’ve compiled a few important perspectives.

– Emotional control ability: The best state for two people to get along with each other is of course to be able to do themselves freely, so that all the emotions can be shown in front of the most trusting each other, but if any little thing does not go well, will cause excessive emotional ups and downs in the object, showing too many negative emotions, you may want to pay special attention to the other party in the emotional control of the problem, after all, the long term! After all, if you get along with each other, you may encounter more difficult problems, and if you can’t face them calmly together, you may have to work hard for yourself.

– Respect and Understanding: In the early stage of getting to know each other, mutual understanding has just begun to be established, there must be a lot of “first time to know” places, for the original do not understand things, whether it can be respected, to understand, and further tolerance and acceptance of both sides of the different, and even be willing to spend time to get along, for the growth of different backgrounds of the two people, may be the decision to stabilize the relationship before the heart pill! The following are some of the things that you can do to make your relationship work

– Honesty and frankness: in order to fully understand each other and judge whether the other is the right person, the premise is definitely to start from a “real” understanding, but if the other party is not even willing to share honestly and face frankly, then there is no way to achieve true understanding, let alone in-depth relationship. Therefore, in the early stage of understanding, whether there are words that you find a little different from the truth, or whether you feel that the other person is too mysterious to see his face is also a very important basis for judgment, dishonesty is definitely the most terrible unexploded ordnance in intimate relationships.

– Understanding values through issues: Values are the most influential part of whether a relationship lasts, but they are also the most difficult to understand in the early stages of acquaintance. Therefore, a more likely approach is to talk about both sides of the issue through some simple public issues, for example: “Ideas for resource recycling”, and then slowly talk about deeper issues from some shallow issues, which may give you the chance to talk about the same issues as you do. There may be a chance to talk to someone who shares your interests, but remember, of course, you don’t need to give up on getting to know each other because of a disagreement on a certain topic, even if the two sides think differently, but respecting and understanding each other’s differences is the most important thing.

The above items may be part of the basis to assist in determining the underlying conditions, but “getting to know someone” is never a simple matter, so it takes more time and effort to be more accurate and to ensure that you find the right person.

It’s great to be beautiful in person, but it’s also important to be beautiful in heart so that happiness won’t be fleeting!

Although we often look at “appearance” and “background” to decide whether or not to date each other, but be careful not to magnify the importance of “appearance” and “background”, or even mistakenly take the external conditions as internal conditions, such as his appearance handsome and dashing, then he should be just as kind-hearted, right, she is beautiful, her heart must also be very beautiful, right! Or if he has a good job, that means he has a good character. When we project the good feelings of external conditions to internal conditions, and confuse the two, it is actually very risky, which will make us ignore each other in the “personality”, “character”, “beliefs / values” of the differences, and wait to recognize the truth, we may also pay a lot of money.

It’s great to be beautiful in person, but don’t forget that it’s not the same thing as being beautiful in heart. Our love needs to be layered, from human beauty to heart beauty, we need to pay attention to and observe, especially the inner conditions, compared to the external conditions, it is not easy to know right away, it needs each other to spend time with each other, each other to spend time communicating and exploring, but it is worth it, it makes love is not just a dry fire, it is a long flow of water, it is not just a flash of splendor of the fireworks, but a warm sunshine that continues to warm our hearts.

If you are still looking for a suitable other half, you can try to list the ideal object in mind, at different levels of the conditions are what? If you’ve already done so, you may want to review your list to see if you’ve taken into account the conditions of the upper and lower levels.

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