When you’re in love, why shouldn’t you get together too soon?

Someone once told me that we don’t “fall in love”, but “fall in love”, just like the English saying “Fall in love”.

I used to believe that, and that’s why almost every relationship I’ve had in the past has been love at first sight.

From the first meeting to being together, it never takes more than a week or two, and you can find a reason to see each other every day, and even if you spend the whole day together, you will never get tired of it, and you will always feel that the time you spend together passes by very quickly. Sometimes listening to each other tell the past experience, will be surprised that we are so similar, understand each other, like in the same frequency, also from time to time together with the corners of the mouth up, let out a big laugh.

We look at each other’s twinkling eyes, shoulders or hands deliberately and subtly accidentally touched together, heartbeat involuntarily accelerated, is this the feeling of electric shock? Just being with him made everything fun, and he was always sweet and surprising himself from time to time. Every night, I replayed in my mind every image of our time together, pondered every word he said, and thought to myself, “So this is what happiness feels like.

At that time, everything was wonderful.

It was only when the passion of love returned to the daily routine of life, and the “long talks every night” turned into “daily routine”, that we started to get along poorly with each other, and quarrels and frictions started to appear slowly. It was only then that I realized that there were things about him that I had never noticed or seen. Sometimes, I even felt that he was no longer the same person that I was so fascinated by at that time. Had he changed?

So the love between us began to be eroded by reality. In the end, both of us were hurt and chose to end this hard-earned relationship.

Experiencing this kind of emotional cycle again and again, I do not believe in love more and more, I even began to suspect that I simply can not meet the right person. Love is exhausting, and the sincerity you give will always be hurt. Perhaps if I stay single for the rest of my life, I will be happier and more at ease, or at least I won’t be disappointed again.

Right after going through several relationships that left me heartbroken and haggard, I decided to stop and look back at what happened in these past relationships, hoping to understand what love is through learning, and I realized:

I realized that what I fell in love with when I was in a relationship in the past was the way we got along with each other, not the person themselves!

Most of the time, you think you’re in love with someone, but what you’re actually in love with is the way he treats you, the passion you feel when you’re together, and your need for him, not the person himself.

So, we should ask ourselves:

  1. “Why do I love the person in front of me?” 2.
  2. “Can I tell you what kind of person he/she is?”

Whenever I ask my friends around me, “Why do you like him/her? Most of the answers I hear are: “We get along well”, “We talk to each other very well”, or “He treats me very well”.

If you put aside the person’s attractive appearance, stable job, not bad personality, and tenderness to you, can you describe “the most essential part of him/her as a person”?

If I can’t tell, then is it really this person I love, or is it just my unrealistic imagination of this relationship?

So later on, whenever I had the opportunity to meet someone of the opposite sex, I reminded myself to slow down before entering into a relationship, even though I liked the person and the person liked me:

Practice taking time to really get to know each other before deciding whether to enter into a relationship or not.

I’ve learned from my past experiences that I can’t just fall in love with a person’s charming appearance and conversation, their rich and interesting experiences and stories, or the way they are with me and how thoughtful they are. Even if he makes my heart sing, I don’t enter into a relationship with him unless I can tell what kind of person he is and what I love about him.

If the goal of entering into a relationship is to get along in the long run, then such a love will have to go through many trials and tribulations, through the ups and downs of each other’s lives, and the changes in status, strength of mind, and allocation of time that those ups and downs bring. When love is attached to things that are easy to change, then it may not be able to withstand the test; but if love is attached to things that are less likely to change, such as the essence of a person, then even if that person is experiencing a downturn at some point, or if you encounter difficulties, you will be able to continue to work together and overcome them because of that cherished essence.

So, what exactly is a person’s “essence”? Kindness, motivation, perseverance, optimism, responsibility, sincerity, integrity, bravery, conviction, fairness and justice, or the values he values can all be a person’s essence. To put it simply, it is those parts of “what a person takes away that makes him not who he is”, or “what makes him who he is”.

When two people are in love, there is usually less chance for difficulties or challenges to arise, and they will show the best side of themselves to each other. Therefore, it takes time to get to know a person completely, or to observe how they appear differently in different situations or what choices they make. The essence of a person will show in his choices, especially how he will face the difficulties or low points he encounters. For example, if he is usually very kind, but when he is in a bad state, he will reject or deviate from kindness, then “kindness” is not his essence; but if he chooses to treat others with kindness despite being betrayed or challenged, then perhaps we can be more sure that he is a person who truly believes in kindness.

Of course, we can never wait until we know someone 100% before deciding whether or not to stay together, but at least I know that I have to try to say “what is it about him that I love” as much as possible so that I don’t get blinded by the heat of the moment. In other words, I’d like to take a longer time to get to know each other and get a little bit closer, so that I can get to know him more completely before I make a decision.

(On the other hand, I don’t want to get into a relationship that is as wrong as the past, after all, the older I get, the less I can withstand this cycle of heartache!)

So how do you get to know a person’s nature before you start a relationship?

I usually find the right time to ask the person a lot of questions, questions that are difficult and worthwhile choices, to see if he is willing to answer them honestly, and to get to know him better through the answers. I also try to learn as much as I can about his past, the choices he has made in the face of difficult times in the past, and how he views or interprets his past experiences.

I will also try to create different situations with him, such as observing how he looks in front of his friends, how he looks in front of his colleagues, how he looks in front of my friends, how he reacts when we are in trouble together, how he reacts when I am not in a good state, etc., so that I can objectively get to know him; and, of course, to give the other person time to get to know the real me.

When we really enter into a relationship and live with him, even though we go through quarrels, trials and tribulations, highs and lows, I can still remind myself that “I love him for who he is” and “I recognize and appreciate his qualities and values”. As long as these things are still there, I have the courage to overcome the challenges with him, the strength and willingness to adjust myself, and even to help the other person to make these wonderful qualities shine.

Now, if someone tells me that we are not “in love” but “falling in love,” I will say, “No, relationships are not falling. For a relationship to work, it requires both parties to really recognize the other person for who they are, the full likeness of who they are, and to decide to love that person.” Because this is not only the foundation of a relationship, but also the way we value each other and ourselves. After all, we don’t want to get into a relationship that will make us hurt each other again just because we can’t see clearly or because of wishful thinking.

 

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